Julie’s Story

If you are here, your marriage is either in trouble or you may have realized that your spouse has been unfaithful to you. If the latter is true, your head is probably spinning with questions, doubts and fears. Your dreams are shattered and your future uncertain.

I, Julie, have suffered in that spot many times. This is part of the story...

I hung up the phone. The words our Pastor had spoken were a light bulb of truth, unlocking the mystery of the darkness my husband had been living under for the past 14 months. Our Pastor said, “I don’t know what exactly, but I believe it has something to do with a sexual nature.”

How stupid and naive I felt! I knew whom he had been involved with and over the next several days before I confronted him, my memory would recall with angry clarity many of the occasions they were together. The problem was that I lacked proof. When I did confront him, he denied it. I so badly wanted to believe him and discover that somehow I was wrong. Once, I even cried as I apologized for falsely accusing her as she held my sobbing body. Even today that deception is still a little hard to swallow.

After meeting with a counselor and discussing all of this, proof was uncovered. Thinking that maybe it was pornography, the counselor suggested I look in the garage. This was in the early 90’s—before the internet. I walked into the garage, looked on a shelf and saw one of his army green ammo boxes. I grabbed the box off the shelf and opened it. I stood trembling as I opened the box and pulled out a handful of letters. I opened a letter and began reading a description of the first time they kissed, what she was wearing and where it occurred. I skipped to the end to see that it was indeed signed by the woman, my friend, whom I had suspected.

I stood in the garage and felt my world crumble into a heap of ashes.

The box also contained a wad of cash, from who knew where because we certainly didn’t seem to have any extra floating around our home.

I replaced the letters and the cash back into the box and set the box back onto the shelf, hopefully, the way I had found it. I suddenly felt as if didn’t know anything about this man I called my husband. I actually thought we had a pretty good marriage, not perfect, but I thought we loved each other, liked spending time together and being in ministry together. I could not believe that he would betray me and our three children this way, and I certainly didn’t know what to expect next.

My memory is a little vague as to the exact order in which I did the following things: Not knowing what he would do when I confronted him with proof, I knew I needed to take steps to ensure the safety of my three children and myself. I went to the bank and transferred the little bit of money we had out of our joint savings account into an account in my name. I met with the counselor and our pastor and we devised a plan to confront him. It would be a Thursday. I would confront him before our pastor arrived at 2:00pm to deal with the next steps. I don’t really remember what that was supposed to be because it didn’t go as planned.

When I confronted him, he finally admitted the truth. He called the woman to basically tell her, I guess, the gig was up. We were mostly civil with each other until I told him Pastor knew and was coming over. Jon flew into a rage and kept yelling at me to tell him what was next! “You’re in control!” I kept insisting that I was not in control. No one was in control. The whole thing was out of control.

He wanted nothing to do with a meeting with our Pastor. Threats were made and a frantic exit from the house ensued. As he left, he declared that he could not be married to me, arguing he was unable to be faithful to me. He believed he was broken beyond repair, insisting he had destroyed our marriage and his life. As he closed the door and left, I remember thinking something like,

I thought I was the one who was supposed to decide if our marriage was over or not.

I hadn’t considered he would decide to walk out on me.

He returned home a couple of days later a broken man, weeping as he read through the little piece of paper he held containing the details of how the meager items we owned would be divided between us. Sitting on opposite ends of the couch, I remember God giving to me a calmness and assurance of the truth. I repeated on several occasions that what he and the other woman had was not love. I calmly told him I was the only one who would ever love him. As I reflect on the words I spoke that night, I know without a doubt I was being led by the Spirit.

I was angry and hurt, but those were not the words that came out of my mouth.

Before completing the list, something began shifting in his heart. Although not necessarily repentant at that point, he began questioning his decision and whether there was hope for us. God of miracles! This is the only explanation I can see to explain his change of heart. After several hours of talking, still weeping, he didn’t want to leave me. We agreed to try to fix our marriage, a decision that has changed the trajectory of our lives.

I’ll be honest, the process of healing for our marriage and my heart was long and painful. I may have made the decision that night to let him stay, but there were times of questioning that decision and even planning my exit strategy.

When we are at the crossroads wondering what to do, wondering if our broken heart will ever mend, if trust CAN ever be rebuilt, or if we SHOULD ever trust again, the easy answer would seem to be to cut our losses and get out, run and not look back. However, having given God the chance to do his restorative, redemptive, transformational work, I can honestly say I do not regret the decision to marry him or the decision to stay and let God make something beautiful out of the ash heap of our lives. Sure, I wish we could have arrived at this place in a less painful way, but I’m thankful for a loving, merciful God who seems to like taking messes, showing up in all of His glory and doing only what He can do. With love, he redeems, restores and transforms broken people.

“With love, He redeems, restores, and transforms broken people.

Continued in Part 02