— Part 02 —
Julie’s Story
Written by Julie
Read Part 01 Here
Now, many years later, I do not regret my decision to stay and fight for my marriage, however, I will not say that the journey was an easy one…
The reality, as revealed by the day-to-day struggles and decisions to be made, was a very difficult one. It was one of the most heartbreaking, difficult times in my life.
After learning of his affair, we were fired from the church we had been ministering at for the previous five years. The working plan with the woman he had been involved with was for them to both leave their spouses and run away together. Although it was painful to know this, it was not hard for me to see through their delusional thinking. However, the ties they had with each other were not going to be easily severed, and I knew that the only chance we had for us to survive was to get away from her and the temptation that was far too accessible.
We uprooted our family and moved 500 miles away to start over. Leaving my family, my friends, church, our ministry with three small children and a marriage that was in shambles had left my heart shattered.
Though I was committed to the process, those were dark days, and I found myself hopeless that I would ever feel joy again. How do I love this man that I do not really like? He was not the man I thought I had married. He had lied to me over and over again, betrayed my trust, and broke my heart. We had moved 500 miles away, we had changed physical locations, but the biggest part of the problem, us, we brought to Idaho.
At this point, I still had not learned to be honest about my feelings and much of the time I was just going through the motions but resenting him for everything that I had lost. We knew how to communicate quite efficiently about logistical things: kids, meals, which way the toilet paper should go on the roll, maybe even when to have sex, but we didn’t know know how to communicate truthfully about our own brokenness, and we were definitely in a season of blaming each other for our misery.
Although communicating about logistical things is necessary, what we really need to learn is to be brave enough to get past the daily things and get to the deeper heart issues so that we are free to love and be loved. We need to learn to communicate those harder issues with grace and humility and often with forgiveness, not bitterness, punishment or self-righteousness. It was actually several years into the process before I could really share with him how deeply he hurt me and to communicate the felt losses I had experienced. My inability to truthfully share this pain, I believe, prolonged my pain and delayed my healing.
My inability to truthfully share this pain, I believe, prolonged my pain and delayed my healing.
It was during the season of denying my pain but being really angry at him that I often found myself regretful that I had made the decision to stay with him. We fought about many meaningless things as the real issues were buried to fester beneath the surface. My pain often expressed itself in anger directed impatiently towards my children and finding my own ways of numbing my pain in escapism activities.
In the midst of all of this, one day I had a tremendous breakthrough where I was able to honestly admit the pain that I had suffered and was still experiencing even a couple of years into the journey. One of our arguments about finances resulted in an accusation from him that I did not know how to make sacrifices. It was at that moment the past couple of years of pent-up emotions poured out of me in specific details of what I had experienced and the sacrifices I felt I had made.
For Jon, my emotions probably felt like being buried beneath an avalanche. Nothing more was said at that moment, but when he came home from work the following day it was with a changed heart. I may have thought I was protecting him, but it was only by this honesty that he became fully aware of the pain that he had caused and was able to ask for forgiveness for it, and though I had chosen the path of forgiveness previously, I was now finally able to forgive him for the impact that pain had been having on me. Little did I know how liberating this process would be. It has been said, “You cannot heal what you do not feel.”
I was now finally able to forgive him for the impact that pain had been having on me. Little did I know how liberating this process would be. It has been said, “You cannot heal what you do not feel.”
One of the things I learned on this journey is that forgiveness is a choice. We can make the choice to forgive instantly, but then we have to walk through the process before we actually experience the freedom of forgiveness. Today I can choose to forgive, however, each day I continue to choose forgiveness and live it out as I experience the impact that his decisions caused me.
There have been some unexpected twists and turns in the journey, including a few unpleasant bumps, but what our marriage looks like today is nothing short of a miracle. We don’t recommend to people that they take our path, but we are happy with the marriage we have. We believe it is a testimony of God’s faithfulness to us to transform us when we surrender to Him. It isn’t easy, but as our pastor preached recently, “Choose your hard.” We don't regret choosing this hard path.
Although we are not experts, through our journey of brokenness to healing, we have learned that no matter the condition of your marriage, there is tremendous hope.
One of the verses that has sustained me through the years is Isaiah 43:19, “Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it. I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
“Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it. I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
So even though it may look like you are in a wasteland or desert right now, if you are willing to submit to His plan and His work, He is waiting to do a miracle in your life and your marriage so that you can experience His springs of living water.